Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
We will use anything but the metric system
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage