Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
You Might Also Like
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.