Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Still a very good boi….
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
