Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me