Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids