Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
