Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
