Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread