Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
You Might Also Like
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.