why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
This is painfully accurate 😅
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Happy Caturday!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance