Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.