“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
You Might Also Like
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I put the I in Insufferable.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”