“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun canโt swim.
One time I ate so much Trader Joeโs tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said โfor the kids onlyโ and thatโs just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*puts cutlery down*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[sรฉance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My mom, to me as a kid: Youโd probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
11: (squeezes my face) Itโs just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
๐๐ค๐ง๐๐จ, ๐จ๐๐โ๐จ ๐ฉ๐๐ก๐ ๐๐ฃ๐ ๐๐๐ค๐ช๐ฉ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ฅ๐ค๐ง๐๐จ
๐๐๐ง ๐ง๐ค๐๐จ๐ฉ๐จ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ค๐ก๐๐๐๐ก
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My confessional is just a list of things Iโm willing to do for cheese
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but canโt afford bc I live in the US]
Oh wow. Itโs so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ยฟ