“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

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I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.



-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.


Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.


Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around


Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear


If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.


I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.


The only time a man has ever asked me “do you have a sister?” was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.