“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo