Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.