Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
The old gods are rising again.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury