Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Oops I deleted….

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

We have a winner.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw