Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
figuring out my emotional availability:
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
#MeanwhileinCanada
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
He-man has a Masters degree
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)