Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

necessity is the mother of invention

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy