Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.