Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings