Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

How software testing works

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh