Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Here’s a meme

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month