Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!