Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

*aggressively waits in line*

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.