Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

prepare for carbonated trouble

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

welp

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

no their not

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

My mom texting me from an anime convention

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.