Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

found a horse’s reddit account

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

👾👾👾

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me: