Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
You Might Also Like
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.