Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.