Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

listen closely

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.