Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas