Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
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😂😂
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
😎 🍻
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone