Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*