Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*