Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.