Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Monica just destroyed the internet
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Thrilling chase underway
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.