Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I donโt go there
I WANNA STOP DRINKINGโผ๏ธ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry ๐
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Good morning.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The airport called it a โmoving walkwayโ but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
date: I think weโve actually met before
picasso: sorry Iโm not good with faces
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พ’๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
ใ ค
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* Iโm pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, thatโs how I ended up in HR.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re