Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.