Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”