Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You Might Also Like
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.