Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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What number SPF blocks people?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Rare photo of two submarines racing
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.