Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
no
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.