Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

what’s in a name?

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate