Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
You Might Also Like
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
found this cool rock hiking today
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.