Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*Seductively hides in the woods
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I’m hunting wabbits…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now