Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Cheer up.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there