Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

yes yes a thousand times yes!

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

won’t smith