Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team