Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

…żyje?

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.