Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
You Might Also Like
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”