Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.