Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.