why count sheep when I can count my troubles
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The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????