Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.