why count sheep when I can count my troubles
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Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.