Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

I get distracted pretty eas

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.