Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

the red hot silly peppers

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.