Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone