Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

This probably isn’t good

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.