Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy