Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT