Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

If you love someone, let them sleep.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.