Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

we all know this pain all too well

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!