Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.