why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol