I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *