Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You Might Also Like
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
