Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
NASA has no chill
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
💀💀
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.