Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
The 6 types of sex
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂