Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.