Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.